How to Stalk Your Crush (Or Anyone, Really)

by - 6:42 PM

NOTE: This tutorial is designed for the stalking of the crush in the location of SCHOOL. If you wish to stalk your crush (or anyone, really) ELSEWHERE, please refer to The Definitive Guide to Stalking by Carlton, Myrtle P. Copies may be found at all good bookstores.

If you have a crush, you may feel the desire to stalk them. This is perfectly normal. If you are bored, you may feel the desire to stalk someone. This is perfectly normal. Here is a go-to, must-read guide on how to stalk in the most effective way.

1. Identify the Target. If you are stalking a crush this obviously won't be a problem, but if you are selecting a random stranger out of boredom, it is imperative that they be at least somewhat distinguishable in a crowd. Suggested features are:

  • A brightly colored or unique haircut
  • Exceptional height
  • Distinctive clothing
  • A unique walk

Please select your victim with full consideration to their uniqueness and distinguishability, for this will be very important later.

2. Know Their Location. Part of stalking - and, indeed, one might say the greatest part - is following the intended target everywhere. You can only start following the target once you locate them to begin with. If they are in a class with you, shadow them out the door. If you do not regularly run into/reside in the same vicinity as them at anytime during the day, you must circle the building to find them. A suggested tactic is sitting somewhere by the entrance of the building before school starts and watching all who enter. Once the target is within eyesight, you must proceed to follow them.

3. Follow the Victim. You will now follow the target around. But you must be surreptitious and subtle, or else you will risk detection, which would set you back to Square 1. Follow the victim at a distant distance that is not too distant through the hallways. You must, however, I repeat, be extremely discreet. A suggestion for this is to carry a magazine, newspaper, or other thin paper reading material with eyeholes carved out for you to see through in front of you as you walk, so that you can appear to be absorbed in whatever publication you are currently carrying two inches from your eyeballs but actually be tracking the victim's every move.
Important: This is the time when it is very convenient to have a target with some definable visible characteristic that makes them easy to spot in a crowd, for when moving through crowded spaces in the building you might temporarily lose sight of them. (See Step 1.)

4. Identify Their Home Base. You will eventually follow the target back to their locker. You will observe its location and make note of it, as well as their locker number. You should also look around for any special landmarks - ex., a friend's locker, a drinking fountain, a bathroom, etc. - nearby that would give you an excuse to walk by the victim's locker regularly and frequently.

5. Pick up Tips and Tidbits. Over the next few days or weeks or even months, you will use this knowledge of the location of the victim's home base to snoop around and pick up many useful tidbits about them and their personality. Whenever the desire to stalk approaches, you will locate to the victim's home base and lurk nearby until they appear, at which time you will proceed to follow them to classes, hangouts with friends, club meetings, etc. Over time, you will pick up many little facts about the victim. Suggested items are their friend groups , likes, dislikes, hobbies, habits, class schedule, locker combination, home address, and home telephone number. Keeping a file where all of this information is written down, categorized, and color-coded is highly recommended.
Tip: A way to pick up interesting factoids is to inquire to friends of yours or the victim. An often fool-proof way to inquire about the target is to strike up a conversation with the friend, and during a lull say something like, "Hey, do you know this kid named _____ _____? We were talking the other day and he/they/she mentioned you, so......" The response will often be like "Oh yeah, I know _____ _____," followed by some interesting fact about the person, such as "We're in choir together" or "We're neighbors". (Note: from these facts (and facts you observe yourself), you can come to helpful conclusions about the person and the hideouts they frequent. Your target likes choir? You could strike up a conversation with them about music. They're in art club? Watch for them outside the art room.) But it is very important to not ask around too much, or you will raise Suspicion and, again, have to go back to Square 1.

And there you have it - a perfect guide to stalking your crush (or anyone, really). I hope you find this useful in your everyday life.

- Dr. Eleanor Oakenshield, M.S.E. (Master in Stalking Education)

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  1. OMG Ellie, this is literally the best thing ever.
    Everyone was yelling at me because I was laughing so hard while I read this. XD

  2. ELLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I. love. this. I can't even.
    This is just AdfgCFssGYshdH.
    Literally perfect.

    I think I'm going to find a practice victim first before I try it out on Green Bean.



  3. This is just kind of brilliant. I will refer back to it if I ever like someone enough to stalk them. Mostly I need a guide on how to avoid people. Wait no- I've got that covered.
    One time I was looking from the library window out over the lunchroom and I decided to watch John the Star Guide buddy. I texted him things like "pizza? Excellent choice, John." And "having trouble finding the trash can, are we?"
    It freaked him out. (Which was the goal.)

    1. Me brilliant? Oh God Gwen, what you did with John was brilliant. I would pay solid piles of cash to see that.

  4. I just had an interesting thought.
    I was remembering less than fondly my days in Sunday school when I realised this: I can honestly say that vegetables have attempted to convert me to Christianity.
    Through song and dance.

    Veggie Tales was a strange thing.

  5. I LOVE THIS AHAHA. I will definitely bookmark this for further reference. I think I could revamp this to work on Pete We- somerandomcelebritythati'mtotallynotinlovewith *cough*


      I wish you all the luck in your endeavors.

  6. Ah yes, the exquisite art of stalking. I have not yet mastered this art, but this guide is a very good leap in my progression of the skill. I will be referencing this whilst I am performing the art. Thank you dearly.


    idk what that was but hey *shrugs*

    1. Well whatever it was I really liked it. Thank you, love <3

  7. This is awesome. XD I really want to stalk someone (who knows, it could be my hidden talent), but I'm homeschooled, which may or may not be a problem . . .


    1. Thank you! :) Oh, dear. You could maybe stalk someone at an event or something.

  8. My sneakers never squeak, I don't breathe heavily, and I'm in all except one class with him. MWAHAHAHA!!!!


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