the words i didn't say - poem

the words i didn’t say,
i can feel them in the air,
run them through my fingers as i stand with a brain full of words that never made it out my mouth
and a heart full of feelings i never expressed.

i can taste them on my tongue, thick as honey,
but bitter as coffee beans.
salty with the sting of things that went unsaid,
untold.

the words i didn’t say,
they are phantoms lurking in the shadows of my brain
and the corners of my dreams.
no matter where i go, they insist they’re here to stay.
for who can run from the things inside your brain?
from the words you didn’t say.



___

A small bit of poetry.

Namarië,
Ellie

8 comments:

  1. All th words i said- a copyright infringement

    all the words i said,
    i can feel them in the air,
    run them through my fingers as i stand with a brain full of remembered words that made it out my mouth
    and a heart full of feelings i should never have expressed.

    i can taste them on my tongue, thick as honey,
    but bitter as coffee beans.
    salty with the sting of things that were said without taste or thought of their effect.

    i can see them hovering before my eyes on top of the paper,
    in the air in front of me,
    constant phantom reminders of the shamefully shy and cautious bit of me.

    i can hear them whispering to me with mocking voices,
    as they hover by my ear when i shower,
    when i eat,
    when i go shopping;
    and even when i sleep, they are still there -
    specters lurking in the shadows of my dreams.

    all the words i said,
    they’re all around me and they’re chasing me and cornering me and torturing me and -
    i cannot hide.
    not from all the words i said.

    And yet.
    There is no way of knowing
    If the words were better left unsaid
    If they have any right to torture me.
    If any who was around heard
    If any who heard listened
    If any who listened understood
    And those who understood
    Do they think any more of me?
    Any less?

    I care.
    Far, far too much
    About all the words i said.

    So i sit in silence
    To prevent future mistakes

    And in doing so,
    I prevent future friendships as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I relate to this just as much as the version I posted, especially of late.
      I don't want to relieve too many details since I'm just getting over it, but one of my closest IRL friends (let's call her H) just decided she's no longer friends with me. (And it's not like she was slowly building up to it, Sunday we were three-hour long texting conversations and Monday she was "Hey so I really don't think we should be friends anymore.") And why? Because of some bad, kinda mean stuff I said. Stuff about one of her friends (we'll call her M), who used to/probably still does bully one of my other friends (L) just because of her religious beliefs. Like, I get if you don't agree with someone's position, but that doesn't give you the right to be mean to them, say stuff like "She wears those ugly patterned shirts to disguise the shit that dribbles out of her mouth when she talks". True, L was a little mean sometimes, but I always told M that didn't give her the right to be mean back......I guess I need to listen to some of my own lecturing.
      And the last four lines are also true - it seems like whenever I'm quiet I miss out on possible new friends and participation in great conversations, but when I'm loud and myself people just think I'm weird....."Why does she love all that weird fantasy stuff?" "Why does she think she's funny, that's not funny." *sighs*
      (sorry if this was an over-depressing reply.)

      - Ellie

      Delete
  2. pretty. i really love this ellie!
    the imagery is gorgeous and vivid. <3

    xo
    emily

    ReplyDelete
  3. *looks around in my bag for words* wait, I have none after READING HOW AMAZING THIS IS.

    ~Noor

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is beautiful. :)

    ReplyDelete

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