The Hardest Thing

is when you’re not pretty, not extroverted, not smart. You can’t sing or dance or write; you can’t speak in public or draw a simple cartoon. You don’t have money or power or influence, and so what is left of you? The only thing that keeps you just hanging on to a shred of dignity in the social world is that you don’t cry. You don’t spontaneously burst into sobs in the middle of class, even when it’s the only thing that could relieve some of the heavy, choking weight on your chest. The only thing that could unclog your throat and let you breath, clear out your eyes and let you see the world without a veil of stinging tears blinding you. 

And so you learn to live with the pain. And you keep it inside though your eyes scream and sting and your throat gasps and your chest is suffocating and you can’t breathe, can’t live, and then when you finally exit this hell there’s no one on the other side to comfort you. There are no loving arms and gentle reassurances as your heart shakily expels the last of your blood from your veins, there are no grand fireworks or dramatic ceremonies as the universe mourns your passing. All there is is a sea of compressed emotion now springing up like a wildfire, engulfing you and sweeping you away. In that final moment, there is no peace. There is no dark and silent and calming void that you thought there would be - there is only a drowning wave of sadness, a final, desperate grasp for happiness, and then the universe winking out and oblivion.


Namarië,
Ellie

23 comments:

  1. i've got chills. holy hell, ellie.
    xx a || not gary cooper

    {p.s. in case it was unclear-- i loved this to bits.}

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  2. .....This affected me a lot more than I thought it would. God damn, that was something heartbreaking, Ellie.

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    1. Ahhh, thank you so much <3

      - Ellie

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    1. Thank you so much <3

      - Ellie

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    2. I like it, mostly because it's so deep. >^_^< Sorry, I just love cats!

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  4. Gosh, can anything be more true?
    This is fantastic, Ellie.
    ~Mira

    www.steppinginsunshine.blogspot.com

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  5. Wow, this is really deep, Ellie. May I ask your permission to perhaps write something based off of this sometime?

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    1. Of course! Just as long as you link back to me for credits if you post it anywhere :)

      - Ellie

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  6. There are so many things I want to say right now but I think I'll just stick to letting you know that I love this post. <3

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  7. Brilliant, Ellie. Brilliant and heart-breaking. Wowza. <3

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  8. I relate, this was wow. You have a way with words.

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  9. i haven't been in the blogging realm for so long and i feel so bad about the fact that i'm only seeing this now but wow.

    just wow.

    i don't even know how to explain how i feel, but this is so beautifully written and describes how i've been feeling these past few months perfectly and i just...wow.

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  10. you're incredibly talented with words! I just checked out some of your works and I'm totally thrilled by them!
    You just got a new follower :-)

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